Adult Asperger Tactics For Parents
By Dan Coulter
Does your child with Asperger
Syndrome sometimes resist your guidance?
As the parents of an adult son
with Asperger Syndrome, my wife and I have found that as a child
gets older and feels the need to assert his or her independence, it
may be harder and harder to take advice from mom or dad.
This is not necessarily a bad thing.
It’s important for our children to learn to solve their own
problems. Especially as they become our adult children.
Still, it’s tough to see the
effectiveness of, “Because I said so,” recede into the distance.
If we see a continuing need to be
involved in our children’s lives as they grow into adults, we need
to acknowledge that they are becoming adults, and find appropriate
ways to influence their decisions.
This can be a challenge.
People with Asperger Syndrome often
have trouble with subtle distinctions. They may think, “Adults are
independent. Being independent means making my own decisions. If I
take my parents’ advice, I’m not acting like an adult.”
So, what do we do when we want to
respect our children’s quest for independence and still help them
over or around a metaphorical brick wall?
The answer may lie in something I was
told in military history class as a college ROTC cadet. The class
was taught by a captain with a true Army man’s loyalty and belief
that his branch of the service was vastly superior to any other.
One day in class, he was having fun at the expense of the Marines.
“In the Army, we believe in using
strategy and tactics to capture an objective,” he grinned. “But the
Marines, the Marines have another approach, which can best be summed
up as, ‘Hey, diddle, diddle, straight up the middle, and the hell
with everything else!’.”
Needless to say, there were no
Marines present. Had a Marine been present, I suspect we would have
been treated to an enthusiastic corps-a-corps as to the accuracy of
the captain’s characterization. Not to mention speculations about
the captain’s parentage back through several generations.
But even assuming the captain’s
statement represented slander to the Marine Corps, the point is that
the best tactic to use in providing counsel to your adult (or near
adult) son or daughter may not be the direct approach.
Our 25 year-old son, Drew, was
diagnosed with AS when he was 14. He has a B.A. in creative writing,
but has gone back to school to complete a two-year college program
in accounting. He hopes what he learns about accounting will help
him land a full-time job. He’s living at home and working part-time
at our public library.
While he’s done well in his
accounting classes, Drew recently had difficulties with some
long-term assignments for a complicated auditing
course. He was frustrated and his mother and I were concerned.
Drew made it clear that he wanted to prove he could handle this
without his parents’ help.
The solution involved my wife
engaging the assistance of Drew’s job coach. The coach met with
Drew to work out a new plan, including studying in the library
away from distractions. They came up with a schedule for completing
parts of the assignments. This schedule included, if necessary,
approaching the course’s professor before the projects were due, to
request additional time.
On his own, Drew enlisted a fellow
student to explain some of the difficult concepts involved and
started breaking down the obstacles that had caused his
frustration. His mother and I were relieved. We were also
impressed with Drew’s initiative in seeking another student’s help.
As parents of children with Asperger
Syndrome, many of us get used to constantly having our hands on the
safety net. We spend a lot of time wondering when to deploy it and
when to whip it behind our backs and say, “What net?”
But if we can gradually forgo the
direct approach and guide our children to find the help they need,
even if it’s not from us, we may just reach the Holy Grail point for
parents. That’s the point where our children are competent and
confident enough to ask our advice because they value it, and not
because they’re afraid they can’t succeed without it.
***
ABOUT THE AUTHOR -- Dan Coulter
produces DVDs for people with Asperger Syndrome and autism and those
who support them. He’s currently working on a DVD to help people
with AS find and keep a job, which is scheduled for release in
Summer, 2009. You can find more articles on his website:
www.coultervideo.com.
Copyright 2009 Dan Coulter All Rights Reserved. Used by
Permission.
