Expectations and Best Days
By Dan and Julie Coulter
What’s your best day ever? We had one of our best days recently when
our son, Drew, graduated from college. It’s hard to describe just
how big a deal this is for our family. Both of us went to college,
and from the time we planned to have kids, we assumed they’d go to
college, too.
But when we discovered Drew had Asperger Syndrome, all those plans
got thrown up in the air. Actually, the plans went airborne a lot
earlier, sometime after Drew got the first of a series of diagnoses
starting in pre-school when he had trouble socializing with other
kids. By the time we got the AS diagnosis when he was fourteen, we’d
had years to worry if he’d ever be able to leave home, much less go
to college.
This was one of the things that ran through our heads as we sat in
the commencement audience at St. Andrews Presbyterian College in
Laurinburg, N.C. It was a warm spring day under a clear,
Carolina-blue sky. After the ceremony, we shared our thoughts with
each other.
St. Andrews is built on two sides of a lake, with the academic
buildings on one side and the student center, dorms and athletic
center on the other. Students cross the lake on a walking causeway
bridge to get from their dorms to their classes.
The commencement would be held, appropriately, on the academic side.
From the far side of the lake, we heard the faint sounds of
bagpipes. We could just make out a double line of students in
royal-blue caps and gowns, starting across the bridge.
We thought about Drew’s early school days, when we kept hearing
about how smart he was, but how isolated he was from most
classmates. We thought about how we’d constantly had to adjust our
expectations as he was growing up. We remembered the great support
he’d had from so many teachers and other school staff. There were
the elementary school teachers who understood when Drew’s mom served
as a stenographer to record his homework before he learned to type,
because his brain moved faster than his awkward handwriting. There
was the middle school teacher who put a small sofa in her room and
told Drew that whenever he was over-stressed in her class or during
lunch, he could come sit on the sofa and take a break. Drew had a
caring social worker in high school who helped arrange his class
schedule with teachers who were understanding, guided him through
tough times and celebrated his successes. Drew’s chemistry teacher
started an after-school role playing game club, allowing Drew –- for
the first time in high school -– to form a group of friends he could
hang out with.
The line of students was now half way across the causeway, led by a
kilted bagpipe and drum band playing a stirring rendition of
“Scotland The Brave.” Along with other parents, we were on our feet
with our video camera rolling. Drew came into view, looking sharp in
his cap and gown.
We thought about how we’d had to find ways to help Drew expect a lot
from himself and set high goals, without putting too much pressure
on him. Helping Drew find ways to succeed gave him a sense of
self-worth that counteracted the teasing and harassment he often
experienced. During the summer before his junior year in high school, Drew played
the wizard in “Once Upon A Mattress” at a college-sponsored theater
workshop, throwing himself into the role and doing a stellar job.
There’s nothing quite like the boost applause gives you. Even though
we weren’t sure Drew could attend college, we encouraged him to take
college prep classes and made modifications to his Individual
Education Plan each year to encourage him to function independently.
If college hadn’t been right for Drew, that would have been fine.
But we wanted to make sure we gave Drew the opportunity to go if it
was right for him.
The soon-to-be graduates were now filing into their seats. Drew
spotted us and flashed us a grin. For the umpteenth time, we looked
at his name in the commencement booklet, marked by an asterisk that
noted he was in the honors program.
We thought of how worried we were when we dropped him off at college
as a freshman, eleven hours by car away from where we lived at the
time. In spite of our concerns about having him get his assignments
done without mom and dad to check up on him, he settled successfully
into college life. St. Andrews is a relatively small school where
Drew was able to thrive. He got to know his professors on an
individual basis and made friends who shared his love of Japanese
Anime and role-playing games. While there were bumps in the road,
each year Drew met new challenges. His senior year, he got a job as
a computer lab monitor and earned his own spending money. As a
creative writing major, he worked feverishly to complete a
screenplay and thesis during his last few months of college. His
last semester’s grades were his highest.
The speakers offered their advice and the graduates began crossing
the stage. Drew accepted his diploma, then posed for a quick photo
shaking hands with the college president. The ceremony ended with a
recessional, accompanied again by the bagpipes and drums, and Drew
was a college graduate.
You can look at this as a four-year accomplishment, but we see it as
more of a 22-year accomplishment. Because of Asperger Syndrome, Drew
often had to work twice as hard to accomplish half as much. He
looked and spoke like a typical, bright kid in so many ways, it was
hard for most people to understand why he also acted just a bit
different. Why he couldn’t just try harder to conform, as if that
was a simple choice and not a continuous, frustrating struggle.
As the sound of the bagpipes died away, Drew met us, his sister and
grandparents for big smiles, congratulations and hugs all round.
Even though he was eager to seek out his college friends and tell
them goodbye, he endured a round of family snapshots first with good
humor. Later, at the graduates’ reception, we met some of Drew’s
professors and heard their positive comments about him. Drew’s
creative writing professor gave him a book as a graduation present.
Finally, we packed Drew’s final few items, piled in our cars and
headed home.
Of course, college graduation is more a beginning than an end.
Drew’s now faced with finding a job, living truly on his own -- not
just independently in a college dorm -- and managing his life. He
met his expectation to finish college –- a goal that helped him
graduate. Now he has to develop new expectations, not to mention
dealing with his parents’ expectations.
The lesson we all learned was to keep our expectations realistically
high. To constantly change them to fit not just new situations, but
new opportunities. To support expectations and make them not a
source of anxiety and pressure, but a bridge.
Because these kinds of expectations can lead to some of your best
days ever.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS: Dan and Julie Coulter produce videos about
Asperger Syndrome and similar conditions. You can read more articles
on their website at: www.coultervideo.com
Copyright 2006 Coulter Video All Rights Reserved
Used By Permission
