Different Means
Different
By Dan Coulter
Most of us tend to judge people by how they
compare to us. When we run into someone completely different, we
usually try and fit him into the framework of our past experience.
Someone who can’t do something we can do, especially after we’ve
shown him how to do it or he’s done it before, may seem slow or
stubborn or just not trying hard enough.
But sometimes, different means different, and there’s nothing in our
experience that prepares us to deal with him.
I’m thinking primarily of kids who have Asperger Syndrome or a
similar diagnosis on the autism spectrum.
My son has Asperger Syndrome (AS) and I’ve been interacting with him
for 23 years now. He’s accomplished a tremendous amount and I’m
enormously proud of him, but sometimes his approach to things
baffles me.
It really helps to remind myself that he sees and reacts to some
things differently than almost everyone else. And that’s part of the
challenge. Even when I know he has AS, he’s so smart and funny and
insightful about so many things, it can still take me off guard when
he doesn’t automatically do something I assumed he would see as
important.
At these times, recalling that he truly has a different perspective
helps prevent me from kicking into “Frustration Mode.” In
Frustration Mode, our brains and adrenal glands insist on a quick
fix. We can harden our voices and demand things of our kids that
don’t work and only make the situation worse.
The problem can be even more difficult when our kids encounter
teachers or others who find our kids not just different, but new to
them and extremely different.
I recently read something a mother had written about her teenage son
finally being able to explain what had been going on with him for
years. Sometimes a teacher would call on him and he’d know the
answer, but be unable to voice it. At other times his mind would go
blank. But this only happened intermittently.
Picture being seen as a bright kid who’s unmotivated or stubborn or
a smart aleck. Think of trying to please a teacher or parent and
having him respond with disappointment or disapproval or discipline.
Imagine sometimes being trapped in your own head.
Even if we know our kids have challenges, it’s easy to forget that
these challenges don’t always appear consistently or in the same
manner. It’s also sometimes hard to remember that we may not know
everything about how autism affects our kids. It’s crucial to keep
an open mind and keep an extra batch of patience in our back
pockets. Some parents do this and seem to also have an “auxiliary
patience backpack” at their disposal. I really admire these parents.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t be firm and discipline our kids when
they need it. But calm, firm discipline that gives our kids the
benefit of the doubt is a much different approach than launching
into Frustration Mode. If you find yourself in Frustration Mode,
it’s best to delay issuing any edicts until you can calm down and
think things through.
And while we’re working on our own skills, it’s important to make
sure that teachers, coaches, and anyone else who’s going to have
significant responsibility for our kids understand how their brains
can work differently. It’s also helpful to explain what is and isn’t
effective in dealing with an individual child.
I spoke with a mother the other day who went on a study trip with
her high school-aged son, who has Asperger Syndrome. She and her son
didn’t disclose to the other people on the study trip, sponsored by
a college, because her son is bright and could do the work, and his
mother was along to smooth the social issues. This worked out fine
for them. However, there was another student along on the trip who
the mother quickly assessed was on the autism spectrum. The trip
leaders couldn’t figure out what caused the student’s different
behaviors and, according to the mother, didn’t handle the situation
well. This mother had a private talk with the leaders to make them
aware of the probable reasons for the student’s behaviors, but
overall, it was a wrenching experience for the student.
We need to be confident that other adults know how to deal with our
kids before we put our kids in their care. Volunteering to accompany
your child’s group during an activity or trip is often a good
alternative.
For parents of newly diagnosed children, I should admit that many of
us veterans have succumbed to the temptation to send our kids into a
situation where we suspected we should disclose a “difference,” but
didn’t and hoped for the best. When and how to disclose is a
personal decision based on each situation, but I urge you to weigh
the pros and cons carefully as you’re making these decisions.
When adults and peers notice the things about our kids that we hope
they won’t notice, their imaginations can come up with extreme
explanations that can be way off the mark. Even when you disclose,
information doesn’t automatically inject competence and compassion
into people who are prejudiced and close-minded. But in my
experience, our kids are usually treated better -- often much better
-- if people know the reasons for their different behaviors.
This is about letting go of what might have been and making things
as good as they can be in the real world. It’s sometimes amazing how
accepting and supportive people can be -- and how our kids tend to
blossom, enjoy life and achieve when they’re accepted for who they
are.
After I’d been a father for a few years, a co-worker expecting her
first child asked me about becoming a parent. I said, “It’s more
wonderful and terrifying than you can possibly imagine.” I still
think that’s true. But the more you grab reality and run with it,
the more you can temper the terror. As for the wonderful parts, you
find they’re largely up to you, and absolutely worth the ride.
Now let’s all go hug our kids.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR -- Dan Coulter is the writer/producer of a series
of videos, titled “Intricate Minds,” that help students understand
and accept classmates with Asperger Syndrome and Autism. You can
find more articles on his website: www.coultervideo.com.
Copyright 2006 Dan Coulter All Rights Reserved Used By Permission
