Discovering
Asperger Syndrome
By Dan
Coulter
Getting a diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome for your child is sort of
like getting hit by a slow freight train. Usually, you know
something’s wrong. Maybe you got worried. Maybe teachers or others
urged you to get your child checked out. Maybe, like my wife and I,
you went through several other diagnoses first. But even though you
knew something was coming, you still feel the impact when you get the
official word.
I spoke with the parents of a newly diagnosed child recently. His
mother said she had virtually shut down. She felt overwhelmed and
almost paralyzed. She and her husband had demanding jobs. She knew how
she’d planned her family’s lives, but things were going to be so
different…
Want the good news? You can make things get better. Sometimes
amazingly better than may seem possible at first.
Don’t get me wrong; Asperger Syndrome was one of the toughest things
to happen to our family. But our 21 year-old son, Drew, who has
Asperger Syndrome, was one of the best.
Drew is smart and funny and caring. He’s also sometimes distracted and
disorganized and overly sensitive. He’s always tried hard to relate to
people, but often lacked the tools and intuitive instruction manual to
build friendships. Middle school and high school were especially
tough. Academics went well, but interacting with pre-teen and teenage
peers often seemed like trying to swim in storm-tossed waves while the
water was calm for everyone else.
But he never gave up. During his last two years in high school, he
finally starting making the kind of friendships he’d always wanted.
Now he’s in college. Toward the end of school breaks, he’s eager to
get back to the campus to be with his friends. And his life’s getting
better every year. It’s light-years better than I could have imagined
when we got his diagnosis.
If you’ve recently received a diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome for your
child, here are some thoughts.
In your mind, separate your child from his challenges. Think of
Asperger Syndrome as a tiger that has attached itself to your child
for life. Your child is not the tiger, but you and your child both
have to deal with the tiger. Sometimes you have to get past the tiger
to reach your child. But, you can also find ways to make having a
tiger work to your child’s advantage.
You can make things better. Absolutely. No matter what your child’s
challenges, you can help improve things by finding and reinforcing his
strengths – and by helping him overcome his weaknesses. Spending time
with a child having fun is one of the best gifts ever. When you’re a
child, seeing your worth in your mother or father’s eyes can give you
strength to last a lifetime and the courage to never give up.
People with AS often describe themselves as looking at the world in a
different way. Give your child the benefit of the doubt. Not
everything he or she wants to do differently is a problem that needs
to be fixed. It may just be another way to reach the same goal. And he
may have special abilities that can help him excel in the right job.
Patience pays off. Expect results, but not always quick results. It
took my son years to learn to manage social interactions and to make
friends. Years. But all the social skills coaching and positive
reinforcement were worth it. Also, one of the secrets is to get your
child together with kids who have similar interests. My son, for
example, loves Japanese “anime” animation, and that’s helped him
connect with a number of friends. Drew feels his life now is
dramatically better than it was in high school.
Social skills are golden. Common, everyday, social interaction is the
most universal challenge for kids with AS. Helping your child learn
about the give and take of dealing with people can make a huge
difference in how others treat him and how he sees himself. Some kids
practice the piano. If your child spends that same kind of time
practicing social skills, you’ll never regret it.
Don’t underestimate your son or daughter. It’s easy to give your child
a lifetime handicap by assuming he or she can’t do this or that. Most
kids with AS can learn to compensate to some extent for things that
don’t come naturally. Set high goals and help your child master
independent life skills along the way. It’s hard to learn to fly if
you never get the chance to solo.
Beware perfectionism. Mastering a skill doesn’t always mean perfecting
it. Sometimes “good enough” really is good enough. Your child may make
A’s in school, but it may take even more effort for him to make a C or
B in “eye contact” or “listening without interrupting” or other social
skills. If your child is really trying and making progress, not
pushing too hard for perfection can save everyone a lot of stress. And
praise is a great lubricant to success. Criticism can be like sand in
the gears.
Finally, look at your opportunities. You don’t want your child to have
problems, but helping him or her deal with those problems can bring
you closer. You don’t have to thank a storm for helping you get to
know your shipmates – but you can be grateful for their friendship
just the same. Working with your child can help you form a bond that
you might have otherwise have missed.
Plenty of people without Asperger Syndrome have it rough. When I think
of the problems my son has never had -- drinking, drugs, violence,
crime -- I feel pretty lucky. As a family, we’ve had lots of
experiences that make me grin every time I think of them. We have fun
whenever we’re together. Life is only as special as you make it.
Drew’s life will surely be different. It will sometimes be tough. But,
with our support, he’s making it full, rich and meaningful.
Tiger and all.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Dan Coulter is the writer/producer of “MANNERS FOR
THE REAL WORLD: Basic Social Skills,” and other videos. You can find
more articles on his website at:
www.coultervideo.com.
Copyright 2004
Dan Coulter All Rights Reserved Used by Permission
