Putting Fun Into
Family Holiday Gatherings
By Dan Coulter
Holidays
are all about expectations. For adults, holidays tend to bring back
memories of the way things were when we were kids – or at least the
way we remember them. We often follow traditions because we expect
them to help us recapture the magic we felt and pass it on to our
kids.
But unrealistic
expectations can actually drain the fun from holidays, especially
for kids on the autism spectrum. To make holidays fun for kids, we
have to be able to see things through their eyes.
Some of my great
childhood memories involve holidays. One of my best Christmas
memories was getting my first two-wheel bike. Wow. My folks got it
so right. They were heroes. It wasn’t just the bike, it was having
my dad help me learn to ride and having my folks watch and encourage
me as I pedaled up and down the cul-de-sac in front of our house. I
can still feel that sense of celebration.
One of my other
vivid childhood memories involves another Christmas. My dad bought
me an electric train, but wouldn’t let me play with it because it
plugged into the wall and I was too young. I have no idea what made
my dad expect that I would get a kick out of watching him play with
“my” train. I can still feel the frustration.
It’s hard enough
to get holidays right with neurotypical kids. Planning a great time
for families who have kids on the autism spectrum can take even more
thought. But thoughtful planning can be the difference between fun
times and a boatload of stress.
I think most
holiday stress involves unrealistic expectations. If we set
unrealistic goals, or try to meet unrealistic goals set by others,
we’re just setting ourselves and others up for disappointment.
Which brings us
to one of the biggest holiday challenges: extended family
gatherings. You’re often getting together with people who you
rarely see and who may not understand your child’s challenges,
behaviors and needs.
Before you decide
to decline a family invitation because the event is just too much
trouble, consider doing some pre-emptive holiday planning. I’m
talking about planning that takes into account the capabilities,
interests and challenges of every family member who’ll attend the
gathering.
This sort of
planning shows that you’re not just asking everyone to accommodate
your child. You’re also thinking about them and their kids. As
soon as you’re aware a family gathering is being planned, volunteer
to help. Be up front about your motives. You want to help make the
event something that everyone involved will enjoy and remember.
Consider circulating a survey to every family to gather
information. What is each family member interested in? What
activities do they enjoy? What activities bore them? What foods to
they like and dislike? Does anyone have any allergies? Do they have
special needs? Get someone in each family to try and see the event
through the eyes of each person who will attend. You’re especially
interested in kids, but collect the parents’ preferences too. If
there was a similar family gathering last year, ask what folks liked
and didn’t like.
Professional
meeting planners depend on these sorts of surveys to help ensure
their meetings are successful. You can take a page from their
book. And the survey doesn’t have to be piece of paper. You can do
it by email or just collect information over the phone.
Use the input
from the survey and work with the party’s hosts to design an event
around the people who will be there. (You may want to consider
offering to host future events to give yourself more control.)
Consider modifying existing traditions or establish new traditions
to craft some aspect of the get-together to appeal to each person.
It can make someone feel special to see that you’ve provided their
favorite food or dessert, or for a child to see her favorite cartoon
character among the decorations. Maybe you can have some of the
kids bring their favorite board games. Trips to a zoo or local
science museum or a sporting event can be fun. One Thanksgiving our
extended family participated in a charity fun run, which was really
a walk. It was called the Turkey Trot and, for the kids, it was
sort of like being in a parade.
There may be
times when the kids split off by age or interest and do different
activities. For several years I’d write goofy plays with parts for
all the cousins and they’d perform them for the adults. A few adults
had cameo parts. One play was a take-off on Cinderella. The two
wicked step-sisters were named Nauseanna and Euthanasia. Our cast
of cousins for these plays dwindled as the years went on, as the
older kids got too “cool” to perform. But no matter who acted and
who watched, it was always big fun.
There may be a
time when a child on the spectrum needs to be alone for a while.
That’s okay. But design activities to be inclusive and have the kids
interact with each other as much as possible. Video games where
kids can play together or take turns are better than “shut yourself
off in your own world” games. Always provide adult supervision where
it’s needed.
It’s good to
follow this maxim for a child on the spectrum: prepare your child
for the world and prepare the world for your child. Talk to your
kids before the event and let them know what’s expected of them.
Keep those expectations within the limits of their abilities. As
far as preparing the world for your child, you need to determine
what to tell the other adults who’ll be there about your child’s
strengths and challenges. You may want them to tell their kids
about your child’s behaviors, what to expect and the best ways to
react.
For example, we
recently interviewed several families in connection with an upcoming
video for siblings of children on the autism spectrum. One had a
little boy who would only eat a narrow range of foods. Another had
a young girl who wouldn’t eat at a table, but ate her meals from a
tray on the floor in front of the television.
If everyone knows
beforehand that Cousin Joey is going to eat French fries for
Thanksgiving dinner and that Cousin Mary is going to eat her turkey
in front of the television, these “differences” can just become part
of what’s normal at a meal in this extended family. Knowing what to
expect and why also makes it more likely that the kids involved will
be accepting of Joey at the table -- or perhaps even choose to sit
and eat with Mary in the den with the TV.
The more adults
and older children treat “different” behaviors as nothing to get
upset or worked up about, the more likely it is that little tykes
will follow suit. And, of course, you can identify potential
conflicts and make arrangements to mitigate them. If you know young
Cousin Butch has issues of his own and tends to bully others, you
can ensure there will always be an adult present to supervise group
activities and head off problems.
Of course, you
never want to put your child into a situation where the deck is
stacked against him and everything points to a bad experience. But
if you can increase the odds of a good experience, an event may look
more attractive.
Many children are
much more accommodating of kids on the spectrum if they just know
something about what’s going on. A little preparation can be good
insurance against kids teasing or ignoring someone acting different.
And, of course, sometimes family members are just naturally nice.
I remember seeing
my son, who has Asperger Syndrome, dancing with some of his cousins
at a family wedding. It was great to see how gracious and accepting
they were, and how much fun my son was having.
Finding ways to
make family events a positive experience for everyone can help a
child on the spectrum form lasting relationships. Not every cousin
may be a candidate to be your child’s playmate for a day or a friend
for life, but having fun together gives those bonds a chance to
form.
Great family
gatherings aren’t just magic for a day. They give kids on the
spectrum an opportunity to be with people who have a built-in reason
to see past their challenges, celebrate their strengths, and provide
positive encouragement throughout their lives.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
-- Dan Coulter is the writer/producer of a series of videos, titled
“Intricate Minds,” that help students understand and accept
classmates with Asperger Syndrome and Autism. You can find more
articles on his website: www.coultervideo.com.
Copyright 2006 Dan Coulter All Rights Reserved Used By
Permission
