Knowing What We Don't Know
By Dan Coulter
Miscommunication.
We’re all guilty of it. Believing what we’ve said is perfectly clear
and then learning that a family member misunderstood. This is a
special hazard when someone in the family has Asperger Syndrome and
a brain that processes information in a highly individual way.
Here’s an example.
When my son, Drew, went away to college, his mom and I offered him a
lot of advice. Among other things, we suggested he use his college’s
academic support center. This was a service that helped students
review their assignments, understand what was required, and then
coach them to do their best work. Drew had always done well in
school, but because he has Asperger Syndrome, his mom and I figured,
“He’s living away from home for the first time, so he can use all
the academic support he can get.”
Drew reluctantly agreed.
He settled into college life and we were pleased that he was
succeeding, not just academically, but socially. We’d occasionally
think of and ask about the academic support center, but Drew never
seemed to get around to going. His overall grades were good enough
that it wasn’t a priority, so we didn’t press the issue.
In his junior year, when we were helping him make decisions about
changing his major, we learned the reason for his reluctance. We’d
assumed that Drew had the same understanding of the academic support
center that we did. But he’d thought it was a counseling center and
that counselors there would ask him questions and report back to his
mom. Sort of remote-control parental supervision. Drew was reveling
in his independence. The last thing he wanted was more supervision.
For Drew, living away from home, managing his own life and
graduating from college was a major accomplishment. While he did
great in some classes and spent four years in his school’s honors
program, there were other courses he struggled with early on. The
academic support center could have helped him.
While this was not a sink or swim situation, it was a lesson to me
to assume less and discuss more in family interactions. More than
once over the years (and by “more than once,” I mean, frequently) my
wife has warned me about my tendency to lecture to our kids. What I
saw as friendly, helpful counsel learned from experience, she saw as
advising them until their eyes glazed over. At least she stopped
short of using the word, “rant.”
Anyway, the academic support center episode helped me understand
that, when I talk, I need to continually think about asking for
feedback to make sure my family members understand what I mean. And
that I may need to ask extra questions to make sure I understand
what they mean. They make assumptions, too.
It’s not enough to know. We also have to make the effort to know
what we don’t know. You know?
***
ABOUT THE AUTHOR -- Dan Coulter produces DVDs for people with
Asperger Syndrome and autism and those who support them. You can
find more articles on his website: www.coultervideo.com.
Copyright 2009 Dan Coulter All Rights
Reserved. Used by Permission.
