What do you do when your child does
something inappropriate and has a meltdown while playing with other
children? After the bottom falls out of your stomach, that is. It’s
easy to be caught up in the moment and scold your child for
anti-social behavior or insist that he calm down.
But for many children, particularly if they
have a condition such as Asperger Syndrome or autism, these may be
the worst things we can do.
Scolding or making demands of a child who
is upset and screaming or crying often just adds fuel to an
emotional fire. This can create an "overload loop" that keeps
replaying in his or her mind.
Let’s say you and two other parents are
supervising your kids at a park where you arranged a play date
–- and your child falls
apart.
You may be able to salvage the situation by
breaking your child’s train of thought. First, remove him from the
immediate area and talk with him in a soothing voice until he calms
down. Depending on his age, you may be able to distract him with a
favorite toy or by encouraging him to talk about a special interest.
Once he’s in a more reasonable frame of mind, you can describe what
he needs to do rejoin his playmates. Be clear about the advantages
of doing what you ask. You may want to offer a reward if he’s able
to play according to the rules you give him.
But what if this approach doesn’t work? We
all want to fix problems quickly, but that’s not always possible.
Sometimes your best option may be to remove your child from the
scene in a strategic retreat. It’s important to see this as part of
a strategy, not as a failure. You have to look at the big picture.
Your short-term goal of a good play session may be foiled, but you
can use what you learned to help accomplish your long-term goal of
teaching your child to socialize with other children. Focusing on
failure is a dead end. Concentrating on future success will help
your child more.
Disclosure can be your ally. It’s usually
best to tell the other parents involved why your child acts the way
he does and give them an opportunity to help. Not disclosing may
actually drive them away, if they just see a case of kids not
getting along. Playmates may not need to know about a specific
diagnosis, but if their parents explain what behaviors they’re
likely to see, and suggest what to do when they occur, they’re more
likely to be accommodating. And disclosing a specific condition to
other children when they’re old enough to understand is usually a
good idea.
Consider ways to structure play sessions to
minimize possible problems. You may want to schedule shorter
sessions, if that’s all that your child can handle. If your child
can’t stand to lose, set up activities rather than competitive
games. If your child has trouble taking turns, pick something the
kids can all do at the same time.
If your child is more interested in objects
than people, and can’t wait to play with another child’s toys, plan
carefully with the other parents involved. You may want to prepare
your child, Mary, by explaining that playmate Sally is going to
bring over her new doll. Mary can have a turn with the doll, while
Sally has a turn with one of Mary’s dolls. Make it clear to Mary
that she’ll need to give Sally’s doll back after her turn. Sally's
parent can share the same information with Sally. If both girls know
what to expect, you’re programming the session for success.
You may even want to write a short "social
story" about the play session that describes the event the way you
want it to go. Each of the girls is a character in the story. You
can even put yourself and the other parent it in, praising the girls
for playing so well together.
Finally, apply praise with a bucket, not a
brush. When we were priming our son Drew to act in a certain ways in
various situations in his younger years, we’d praise him lavishly
when he did what he was supposed to do. If we accidently neglected
this reward on occasion, he wasn’t shy about prompting us with some
version of, "I did it right, didn’t I?" We were quick to agree.
As your child progresses, you can introduce
more complex situations to build on his success. Keep in mind that
you’re helping him learn the lessons he needs to get along in the
world at a pace he can handle.
It may take a lot of hours and effort on
your part to help your child develop skills that come to other kids
intuitively. But consider that your determination, patience and
commitment are teaching your child a lesson that can help him build
not just social skills, but also a critical armor of self esteem.
Recently, I spoke with a mother who has a
daughter with Asperger Syndrome. She said her daughter had always
believed in herself, but her experiences in middle school were
wearing at that confidence.
The time and effort we invest in our kids,
especially if invested continually with enthusiasm and patience,
shows them we believe in them. That helps them believe in
themselves, because they’re getting the message through actions as
well as words.
And every one of those actions is a step
toward making that big picture we hold in our heads -- the one of a
positive, successful life for our children -- a reality.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
– Dan Coulter is the
producer of the DVDs "Understanding Brothers and Sisters with
Asperger Syndrome" and "Understanding Brothers and Sisters on the
Autism Spectrum." You can find more articles on his website:
